Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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