I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
