Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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