omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
