i already hear my dad disowning me
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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