Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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