Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
