I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
