I'd wear matching sweaters with you
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
