Jerry, you need to find god
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Randomize
