ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
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