I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
