SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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