I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
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