I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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