I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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