how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
