Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
