So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
