sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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