wanna go halves on a baby?
Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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