Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
So much Jack, so little girl.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
