So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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