Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
