if i can run in heels then i can drive
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
