I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
