Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize