When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
