Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
