So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
