I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
