i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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