I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
