the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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