moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
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