I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
