Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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