1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
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