I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
