you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
