i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
