im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Randomize
