I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
