It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
