Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
