8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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