Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
