Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
