I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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