I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
