mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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