He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
