Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
