we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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