wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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