He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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