I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize