We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Ketchup is God's man juice
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
