I wanna bring you to show and tell
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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