dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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